Dear lady with two kids at the grocery store,
My original intention was not to slight you. Sometimes, when I'm half asleep and out of sync I act on instinct. It's a Kroger jungle out there and when the employee said she could help the next in line my brain didn't compute prior to acting. I'm a lioness and pounced quickly from my spot behind you to take my position as "next in line."
You see, you didn't make a move to move. Your two kids and all your stuff, with their extra kid carts and lolly gagging put you in a position of prey instead of predator. From my own experience, maybe I assumed since you were next in line anyway that you wouldn't want to bother moving everything, with kids in tow, to the next aisle over.
Obviously, I was wrong.
"Really?" You snarked at me still stagnant in your spot.
I heard you, paused to let a sweet elderly couple who had also started to move towards the open aisle in ahead of me, and turned to look at you. I snarked back with a smile.
I wonder if the fact I let the elderly couple ahead of me changed your opinion of me. I doubt it, as your eyes still shot daggers at me.
And while I did stare you down in a silent battle of the bitch, it's because you threw bitch first. I actually feel guilty- because I didn't consciously realize I was making your day harder. You didn't move and I interpreted it as complacency.
Anyway, I'm sorry. It was just instinct. Move or be eaten, or you know, trumped in the grocery store line. Survival of the fittest and all.
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March 12, 2012
March 8, 2012
What not to say after pregnancy loss
Like clockwork this time of year, I vividly remember losing my first pregnancy. My daughter would have been eight years old this year, an older sister to my wonderful Tank. Unfortunately, my story isn't unique. The more moms you know the more inevitable it is to avoid the topic of pregnancy loss. We all know someone who has miscarried or given birth prematurely. Some of us know moms that birthed still born children or babies who passed shortly after their birth.
Being faced with what to say after someone loses a pregnancy is a situation that can turn the most well-intentioned friend into a bumbling insensitive ass. So in case you need it, I've prepared a simple list of what not to say. It can be modified to fit many of life's uncomfortable situations when you're struggling to find the words.
1. DO NOT tell a mother she is young and can try again. She already knows she can try again, but she doesn't want to right now. Let her grieve her moment before forcing her to move on.
2. DO NOT say "everything happens for a reason." Maybe you believe that, maybe she does, too. But right now she wants to know WHY and if you can't answer that (you can't) then just shut up. She wants to know what the actual reason is that allows Michelle Duggar or Wanda Crack-Ho to have multiple children when she can't carry hers to term.
3. DO NOT suggest there was something wrong with the baby. Unless she specifically tells you there was a problem with the baby that prevented her from carrying it to term, don't offer up lame excuses. Her baby was perfect in her heart.
4. DO NOT tell her she has an angel in heaven now. Right now, she doesn't want an angel. She wants her baby.
5. DO NOT say you know how she feels unless you have also experienced a pregnancy loss. And even then, it's best to reveal your loss as an offer to listen rather than to assume you know exactly what a mother is going through. Don't try to compare your loss to make her feel better. Don't try to compare the loss of your dog or your grandmother to the loss of her baby. You may think it's the same, but to her it's not.
Because I don't want to leave you feeling overwhelmed with all of the DON'Ts I will tell you all you ever need to say in any of life's daunting situations. Keep it simple and heartfelt and you won't stick your foot in your mouth.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm here for you. I'm thinking of you. Let me know how I can help.
Isn't that easy? I'm sorry speaks volumes. And it will mean more than you can imagine.
Being faced with what to say after someone loses a pregnancy is a situation that can turn the most well-intentioned friend into a bumbling insensitive ass. So in case you need it, I've prepared a simple list of what not to say. It can be modified to fit many of life's uncomfortable situations when you're struggling to find the words.
1. DO NOT tell a mother she is young and can try again. She already knows she can try again, but she doesn't want to right now. Let her grieve her moment before forcing her to move on.
2. DO NOT say "everything happens for a reason." Maybe you believe that, maybe she does, too. But right now she wants to know WHY and if you can't answer that (you can't) then just shut up. She wants to know what the actual reason is that allows Michelle Duggar or Wanda Crack-Ho to have multiple children when she can't carry hers to term.
3. DO NOT suggest there was something wrong with the baby. Unless she specifically tells you there was a problem with the baby that prevented her from carrying it to term, don't offer up lame excuses. Her baby was perfect in her heart.
4. DO NOT tell her she has an angel in heaven now. Right now, she doesn't want an angel. She wants her baby.
5. DO NOT say you know how she feels unless you have also experienced a pregnancy loss. And even then, it's best to reveal your loss as an offer to listen rather than to assume you know exactly what a mother is going through. Don't try to compare your loss to make her feel better. Don't try to compare the loss of your dog or your grandmother to the loss of her baby. You may think it's the same, but to her it's not.
Because I don't want to leave you feeling overwhelmed with all of the DON'Ts I will tell you all you ever need to say in any of life's daunting situations. Keep it simple and heartfelt and you won't stick your foot in your mouth.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm here for you. I'm thinking of you. Let me know how I can help.
Isn't that easy? I'm sorry speaks volumes. And it will mean more than you can imagine.
February 20, 2012
The Anakin Delimma
We're in the early planning stages of transforming Tank's bedroom theme from Pixar's Cars, to the more mature (for an almost 6 year old) Star Wars.
Jeff and I were practically raised on the original Star Wars and couldn't wait to pass on the Force to our young Padawan. Jeff even bestowed his original late seventies action figures and LEGO sets onto Tank. It's a right of passage.
But there is a great disturbance in the Force.
It would be hard to find anyone over 30 who wouldn't defend the original trilogy over the prequels to the death. One word: Jar Jar Binks. Unfortunately, the younger generation is growing up watching the movies in order from Episode I to Episode VI- which, anyone over 30 knows is the wrong order.
As kids, we knew Darth Vader was the bad guy. There was no gray area here. Sure, we were surprised with the big reveal of Luke and Leia's lineage, but he was still, ultimately the bad guy and only redeemed himself prior to his demise.
Today's kids are growing up on Phantom Menace. Tank adores young Anakin and his awesome early Jedi skills and pod racing expertise. Add in the whole cartoon Clone Wars and LEGO sagas that have a young Anakin Skywalker fighting heroically alongside Obi Wan Kenobi and you've got mass confusion.
I'm telling you, it is contributing to the moral decay of our society.
I mean, HELLO?!! ANAKIN SKYWALKER KILLS OBI WAN! Anakin chooses evil and becomes DARTH VADER- the ultimate bad guy. All this is lost on today's kids because they are glorifying young Anakin. And watching the movies in order- or out of order, really.
So in searching out room decorations for Tank's Star Wars room, mark my words. NO Clone War Anakin bedding. I'm doing my part, people. It's called good parenting.
Jeff and I were practically raised on the original Star Wars and couldn't wait to pass on the Force to our young Padawan. Jeff even bestowed his original late seventies action figures and LEGO sets onto Tank. It's a right of passage.
But there is a great disturbance in the Force.
It would be hard to find anyone over 30 who wouldn't defend the original trilogy over the prequels to the death. One word: Jar Jar Binks. Unfortunately, the younger generation is growing up watching the movies in order from Episode I to Episode VI- which, anyone over 30 knows is the wrong order.
As kids, we knew Darth Vader was the bad guy. There was no gray area here. Sure, we were surprised with the big reveal of Luke and Leia's lineage, but he was still, ultimately the bad guy and only redeemed himself prior to his demise.
Today's kids are growing up on Phantom Menace. Tank adores young Anakin and his awesome early Jedi skills and pod racing expertise. Add in the whole cartoon Clone Wars and LEGO sagas that have a young Anakin Skywalker fighting heroically alongside Obi Wan Kenobi and you've got mass confusion.
I'm telling you, it is contributing to the moral decay of our society.
I mean, HELLO?!! ANAKIN SKYWALKER KILLS OBI WAN! Anakin chooses evil and becomes DARTH VADER- the ultimate bad guy. All this is lost on today's kids because they are glorifying young Anakin. And watching the movies in order- or out of order, really.
So in searching out room decorations for Tank's Star Wars room, mark my words. NO Clone War Anakin bedding. I'm doing my part, people. It's called good parenting.
February 18, 2012
Empower your Kids
There isn't much I can do to dance around the severity of what happened- or almost happened- to my son this week. It's not pretty, it's not easy to talk about and it scared the crap out of me.
If you know me, you know that I don't keep things under wraps. I think talking about uncomfortable things we like to sweep under the rug are what will ultimately change our society for the better.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise to know that Jeff and I have been talking with Tank since before he could talk back about how to protect himself out in the world. We've gone above and beyond the mandatory "private parts" discussion. We've taught him what to do if he's ever in an uncomfortable situation. We've role played how to escape a kidnapper, the kinds of words to yell to get the right attention, and who to ask for help if he's lost.
We cover the uncomfortable truths at an age appropriate level- that most sexual abuse comes at the hands of people we know, people we trust, people that will ask him to keep secrets, make his body feel good despite the imbalance of power and people that will reward him for secrecy. As ugly as it is, it's the truth and we've always believed that while we can't protect Tank from the world we can empower him with the tools he needs to protect himself.
Thankfully he remembered those tools this week on the school bus- the K-1st grade school bus in the wealthy, predominantly white suburban neighborhood of my small Midwest town.
A boy on his bus propositioned my son. That's ugly sounding enough without getting into the details. The language was vulgar and shocking and completely inappropriate knowledge for a Kindergartner. And yet, my son prevailed and came away unharmed.
Why? Because he said no. Because he told. Because he listened to how his body felt, knew that feeling "dizzy" and "fizzy" meant something wasn't right.
Tank was unharmed. The incident was reported to the school counselor and principal and they took the next steps. They determined the other boy was not being abused (thank God!) and got his parents, teachers and the bus driver involved.
I took my kid off the bus and praised him for doing the right thing. And then I started to share. I am sharing so that YOU will talk to your children. The world can be ugly but our best defense is to empower our kids to protect themselves as best they can.
Predators seek out vulnerability. Kids that are verbal and knowledgeable are less likely to be targets. And if they ever are approached by anyone, they need to know you've got their back 100%. They need to know they can tell. So talk to your children- early and often. Keep the conversation open, honest, and ongoing. Knowledge is power.
Local resources: www.thecarehouse.org
National resources: www.missingkids.com
Please share any resources you have in the comments section below.
If you know me, you know that I don't keep things under wraps. I think talking about uncomfortable things we like to sweep under the rug are what will ultimately change our society for the better.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise to know that Jeff and I have been talking with Tank since before he could talk back about how to protect himself out in the world. We've gone above and beyond the mandatory "private parts" discussion. We've taught him what to do if he's ever in an uncomfortable situation. We've role played how to escape a kidnapper, the kinds of words to yell to get the right attention, and who to ask for help if he's lost.
We cover the uncomfortable truths at an age appropriate level- that most sexual abuse comes at the hands of people we know, people we trust, people that will ask him to keep secrets, make his body feel good despite the imbalance of power and people that will reward him for secrecy. As ugly as it is, it's the truth and we've always believed that while we can't protect Tank from the world we can empower him with the tools he needs to protect himself.
Thankfully he remembered those tools this week on the school bus- the K-1st grade school bus in the wealthy, predominantly white suburban neighborhood of my small Midwest town.
A boy on his bus propositioned my son. That's ugly sounding enough without getting into the details. The language was vulgar and shocking and completely inappropriate knowledge for a Kindergartner. And yet, my son prevailed and came away unharmed.
Why? Because he said no. Because he told. Because he listened to how his body felt, knew that feeling "dizzy" and "fizzy" meant something wasn't right.
Tank was unharmed. The incident was reported to the school counselor and principal and they took the next steps. They determined the other boy was not being abused (thank God!) and got his parents, teachers and the bus driver involved.
I took my kid off the bus and praised him for doing the right thing. And then I started to share. I am sharing so that YOU will talk to your children. The world can be ugly but our best defense is to empower our kids to protect themselves as best they can.
Predators seek out vulnerability. Kids that are verbal and knowledgeable are less likely to be targets. And if they ever are approached by anyone, they need to know you've got their back 100%. They need to know they can tell. So talk to your children- early and often. Keep the conversation open, honest, and ongoing. Knowledge is power.
Local resources: www.thecarehouse.org
National resources: www.missingkids.com
Please share any resources you have in the comments section below.
February 7, 2012
These are Days
During much of Tank's third year I would call my mother in tears. It was by far my most challenging year as a mom (terrible two's got nothing on three) and I would often ask her if "I was like this as a child?"
My mom couldn't remember the times I was a challenging child. Sure, there were a few moments, like when she threatened to throw away all my toys if I didn't pick them up. But she couldn't conjure up memories that resembled my day-to-day frustration with my own child. I was shocked and convinced that I must be doing something wrong. I was positive that his tantrums and my failures were going to be the only thing I remembered about Tank's childhood.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday my son and I had one of those moments that seem to defy time and space- a moment that made me realize this is why we forget the rough times.
The weather was beautiful for a Midwest February. It was sunny and in the high 40s. My son got off the bus with his usual cheer and after playing a game (that I actually suggested,) we put on our jackets and went outside.
He rode his bike while I walked along and we talked. He told me he was going to be an inventor when he grows up, told me about his school day and his friends. He's got big dreams and he shared them- with his mother.
And in that moment I forgot every tantrum, every failure, every frustrated sigh of the last five and a half years. I realized that I am doing something right. I am enjoying time with my son. That alone makes every day of struggle worth it.
My mom couldn't remember the times I was a challenging child. Sure, there were a few moments, like when she threatened to throw away all my toys if I didn't pick them up. But she couldn't conjure up memories that resembled my day-to-day frustration with my own child. I was shocked and convinced that I must be doing something wrong. I was positive that his tantrums and my failures were going to be the only thing I remembered about Tank's childhood.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday my son and I had one of those moments that seem to defy time and space- a moment that made me realize this is why we forget the rough times.
The weather was beautiful for a Midwest February. It was sunny and in the high 40s. My son got off the bus with his usual cheer and after playing a game (that I actually suggested,) we put on our jackets and went outside.
He rode his bike while I walked along and we talked. He told me he was going to be an inventor when he grows up, told me about his school day and his friends. He's got big dreams and he shared them- with his mother.
And in that moment I forgot every tantrum, every failure, every frustrated sigh of the last five and a half years. I realized that I am doing something right. I am enjoying time with my son. That alone makes every day of struggle worth it.
February 2, 2012
Facebook Moms
I've noticed there are several types of Facebook mom updaters. Do you fall under any of these categories? I know I do, but I'll let you guess which ones I consider myself. (Ahem- politimom complainer....)
1. The Complainer
This mom signs on just to let us know how hard her life is. She's tired and the kids are going nuts. She'll give us a list of things she's going to do or has done that day and will punctuate her posts with lots of (sighs.) She's reaching out to commiserate- throw her a bone, will ya?
2. The TMI mom
This is the mom who will give us play by play updates on potty training, diaper blowouts, kid snot and vomit. If you post a picture of your kid's first poop on the big girl potty you deserve to be defriended. Gross. Save it for people who care- like no one.
3. Politimom
This mom will bombard you with her personal political beliefs and causes despite her party affiliation. She doesn't care if you agree or not, she wants people to know she's more than "just" a mom. If the post sparks a rousing debate then all the better because it gives her something to talk about during the day. What she doesn't know is that everyone hides her posts because no one really wants to talk about it on Facebook.
4. Granola mom
A milder version of politimom, this mom's posts will be less vitriolic as they are more apt to be child and health centered.. Posts will include links to organic food, baby products, grass fed beef and cloth diapers. If it's likely to send you into a panic about how our environmental choices are killing our children, then she'll post it with glee- because, you know, she's not using any of those products.
5. The Busy Creeper
This is the mom who is so very "busy" that she doesn't "have time" for Facebook. But at dinner she'll casually mention something you posted earlier in the week because she's there, she just doesn't have anything to say. She is the silent stalker who wants you to think she's spending "quality" time with her kiddos instead of Facebooking like the rest of us losers.
6. The Braggart
This mom wants you to know how great her life is, how perfect her kids are and how much time she spends hand knitting wardrobes for charities while making her own laundry detergent and teaching her one year old how to speak Latin. There will be pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. And her kid will be in Harvard by the time yours learns to sit up.
7. The "Liker"
A step up from the Busy Creeper, she admits she's there by "liking" everyone else's posts and pictures. While she's "too busy" to actually say anything, she wants to remain relevant. She "likes" you, damnit, so don't forget to "like" her back.
Hey, it's what Facebook is for. If you "like" this post, please "share" it because the one I left out is the "self promoter" mom who needs you way more than you need her. Post on.
1. The Complainer
This mom signs on just to let us know how hard her life is. She's tired and the kids are going nuts. She'll give us a list of things she's going to do or has done that day and will punctuate her posts with lots of (sighs.) She's reaching out to commiserate- throw her a bone, will ya?
2. The TMI mom
This is the mom who will give us play by play updates on potty training, diaper blowouts, kid snot and vomit. If you post a picture of your kid's first poop on the big girl potty you deserve to be defriended. Gross. Save it for people who care- like no one.
3. Politimom
This mom will bombard you with her personal political beliefs and causes despite her party affiliation. She doesn't care if you agree or not, she wants people to know she's more than "just" a mom. If the post sparks a rousing debate then all the better because it gives her something to talk about during the day. What she doesn't know is that everyone hides her posts because no one really wants to talk about it on Facebook.
4. Granola mom
A milder version of politimom, this mom's posts will be less vitriolic as they are more apt to be child and health centered.. Posts will include links to organic food, baby products, grass fed beef and cloth diapers. If it's likely to send you into a panic about how our environmental choices are killing our children, then she'll post it with glee- because, you know, she's not using any of those products.
5. The Busy Creeper
This is the mom who is so very "busy" that she doesn't "have time" for Facebook. But at dinner she'll casually mention something you posted earlier in the week because she's there, she just doesn't have anything to say. She is the silent stalker who wants you to think she's spending "quality" time with her kiddos instead of Facebooking like the rest of us losers.
6. The Braggart
This mom wants you to know how great her life is, how perfect her kids are and how much time she spends hand knitting wardrobes for charities while making her own laundry detergent and teaching her one year old how to speak Latin. There will be pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. And her kid will be in Harvard by the time yours learns to sit up.
7. The "Liker"
A step up from the Busy Creeper, she admits she's there by "liking" everyone else's posts and pictures. While she's "too busy" to actually say anything, she wants to remain relevant. She "likes" you, damnit, so don't forget to "like" her back.
Hey, it's what Facebook is for. If you "like" this post, please "share" it because the one I left out is the "self promoter" mom who needs you way more than you need her. Post on.
January 28, 2012
Lucky Duck
OK, bear with me for a minute, I'm about to complain again. Please know I love my husband very much. He is a catch and the perfect man for me. We are friends before all else and have been through a lot together in our almost nine years of marriage. However, I'm told time and again how "lucky" I am to have him. That bugs me.
I know, I know, I'm too sensitive. For years, though, it's a common term used among family and friends and I'm starting to get a complex.
What does it mean that I'm "lucky" to have my husband? Let me tell you what it translates to inside my deeply insecure self image. If I'm "lucky" to have him it seems to imply I don't deserve him. I "lucked" out, as it were. "Whew, that girl is a hot mess. How did she get so lucky?"
They don't tell him how lucky he is to have me. Because, apparently, I suck. Apparently, I duped this poor schmuck into marrying me and the jig isn't up yet. Aren't I lucky?
Yes, I know that's not what they "mean." But, really people? How about we are "lucky to have found each other in the crazy world of dating?" How about I am smart enough to have CHOSEN such a worthy partner?
Let's just make this clear- before I was married I was living on my own paying all of my own bills. I CHOSE to marry a military man and become little more than his social security number on paper.
But I chose him because we fit- because I love him- because we understand each other. And he chose me. We aren't lucky, we are BLESSED to have found one another and made a good decision.
And we WORK at our marriage. We WORK at understanding each other and staying committed to the marriage. It's way more than dumb luck.
That's all I have to say about that. So luck off.
I know, I know, I'm too sensitive. For years, though, it's a common term used among family and friends and I'm starting to get a complex.
What does it mean that I'm "lucky" to have my husband? Let me tell you what it translates to inside my deeply insecure self image. If I'm "lucky" to have him it seems to imply I don't deserve him. I "lucked" out, as it were. "Whew, that girl is a hot mess. How did she get so lucky?"
They don't tell him how lucky he is to have me. Because, apparently, I suck. Apparently, I duped this poor schmuck into marrying me and the jig isn't up yet. Aren't I lucky?
Yes, I know that's not what they "mean." But, really people? How about we are "lucky to have found each other in the crazy world of dating?" How about I am smart enough to have CHOSEN such a worthy partner?
Let's just make this clear- before I was married I was living on my own paying all of my own bills. I CHOSE to marry a military man and become little more than his social security number on paper.
But I chose him because we fit- because I love him- because we understand each other. And he chose me. We aren't lucky, we are BLESSED to have found one another and made a good decision.
And we WORK at our marriage. We WORK at understanding each other and staying committed to the marriage. It's way more than dumb luck.
That's all I have to say about that. So luck off.
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